Three Questions

When I first came to Costa Rica, I was left asking myself three questions:

1. Is it possible to be this happy?

2. If it is, am I allowed to experience this happy?

3. Can I make a life of this happy?

As I make the leap to live here permanently, these are still the questions I come back to. Living so close to nature, being bare foot, climbing rocks and trees, being close to the sea, my body free from aches and pains, sunshine and fresh tropical fruit. It’s a very simple life but the simple life has always been for me.

It’s hard to talk about Costa Rica without talking about London. My place of birth and all I’ve ever known. The concrete jungle, the struggle, the edge and consumer culture. I’m grateful to London because it brought me to this point, it’s made me who I am and it’s given me opportunities that have allowed me to grow and flourish. So much of life that I know is in London - my family, my friends, my teacher, my work and clients. But the time has come when the energy of London just cannot hold or contain the person I’m now wanting to become and life I want to live.

The tropical island life has always been my dream. Since I went to Jamaica when I was 14, it planted a seed that made me understand that life in the Caribbean is the life for me. It’s not something I ever let go of but it’s something that seemed unrealistic as I got older and my life and roots in London got deeper and stronger.

Funny then, that I was planning to go to Jamaica, not Costa Rica initially. I’d just got my Jamaican citizenship and passport and I had decided I wanted to go to Jamaica on a field trip to see if I could live there. A series of issues and events eventually led me away from Jamaica and to Costa Rica. So could it be coincidence that I found the Caribbean part of Costa Rica and found the community and elements of the tropical life that I have been dreaming of all this time? I was welcomed by both the land and the people and ever since I left in December 2022, Costa Rica is the place I call home.

The mindset that life in London inculcates is a permanent sense of self doubt and self questioning - am I good enough? do I deserve this? if good things happen for me, is it safe for me to enjoy them? This mentality pierces so deep into my psyche that even as I find myself close to my Knowing, I still question and still doubt. What’s a working class city girl like me doing trying to live big dreams like this? And yet, there’s another part of my psyche that is attuned to the longing of my heart that says, go on girl, you can do this. Everything aligned in this moment to get you over this line. Be bold and grab it with both hands and don’t apologise for finding happy.

Happiness is not a final destination, of course. It is almost a background hum or background music that is present in our lives. When we can hear the hum, we know we are close to destiny because it is the music that initiates us, motivates us and puts us into action. Happiness is our why.

Life in London is mostly grit interspersed with moments of respite. There is no culture of happiness, just a culture of escapism, consumerism and entertainment. In Costa Rica I have wondered if would I get bored? Would I miss the hustle and bustle of city life? After spending more extended time in Costa Rica, the opposite has become true. How can I even survive in the hustle and bustle when the Caribbean rhythm of life feels so aligned to me know. I remember one time I was swimming in the ocean and it felt like I was playing with Mama Sea, she was throwing me around playing rough and then gentle. I felt like a child. A barefoot child of the earth learning the elements and the building blocks of life itself. The kind of childhood I have never known, yet if felt natural and familiar. My heart just full and my spirit settled. So much of the culture and activities here in Costa Rica are built around the natural beauty and abundant natural world that is so alive here. It is nature and beauty like I’ve never experienced in my life. I realise, for me anyway, this is the yearning and craving I’ve been seeking. A simple life - work, home, food, nature, community, music, dance and devotion. What else could there be? What else could make my heart overflow with so much gratitude?

So here I am, at a crossroads. To fully commit and dive into the unknown and arduous path of resettling across the world or to say, no it’s too hard and too much, be sensible, just put my head down in London and accept that working class city girls like me aren’t allowed to escape Babylon. Aren’t allowed to find happy. Of course the indignant part of my spirit rises, the fire burns and she says, no! This is my life and I will make of it what I will. This is what I want. Let me follow it, for no matter what comes, I will always have something to learn about the way of courage and the way of the heart.

The heart believes and knows happy. The heart wants happy and is often foolish enough to believe it can attain it. Often the most simplest happy too. From what I have experienced so far, the more the heart leads and expands the easier it is to even see what happy is and believe it’s possible. So naive! The journey of the heart is not necessarily easy but it is worthwhile and feels like something close to truth. That seems to goes against everything we are inculcated into. Listen to heart, for she knows. Often before you do.

So again, I come back to those three questions...